| House of Litter Plot |
[Nov. 9th, 2008|09:21 pm] |
My Subjects:
Wednesday last, the 5th of November, the Felinestani Defense Forces foiled a plot against our government! Now that the conspiracy has unwound, we are able to promulgate its details to you.
It appears that a rogue villain was attempting to sap his way beneath our House of Litter, with the intention of disintegrating us with a concoction of charcoal, saltpeter and brimstone!! After torturing interrogating the rogue, it was discovered that blasphemous Canine forces had orchestrated this plot against us.
Felinestan is now at war with the foul buttocks-smellers known as Ye Dogs!! Be vigilant! |
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| Historic Result of Felinestani Plebiscite |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|07:43 am] |
My subjects:
By an overwhelming majority, the serfs have spoken. The results for the Felinestani Plebiscite have been tallied, although as you can see from the results there may be some reprisals "recounting" of a few ballots.
Question 1. Do you agree with Her Imperial Majesty Minerva I's decision to dissolve the houses of Pawliament and to transfer all governmental powers to the Iron Paw?
Yes: 300,201,587
No: 6
Question 2. Do you agree with Her Imperial Majesty Minerva I's decision to consider any person approximating her prettiness as an enemy of the state?
Yes: 300,201,587
No: 6 |
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| Bailout |
[Sep. 21st, 2008|07:18 pm] |
My subjects:
We are hereby raising your taxes by 700B Felinestani Ducats to pay for the bailout of our financial system.
It appears that the two wars we are currently fighting (in Plumpoopistan and Dognam) plus the 20 Palaces we had constructed in the past 7 years have strained the Empire's finances.
Lord Vizier Bear tells us that our bankers are balking at lending us any more money, despite the large profits they have earned from us. Even kidnapping their children seems to have no effect on them.
Rest assured, this money will only be used for the benefit of a very privileged few, who have benefited enormously from our banking system in recent years.
Pay your taxes, serfs.
Keeping us solvent, will keep you safe. |
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| Human Male Paid! |
[Aug. 16th, 2008|07:32 pm] |
We have just received word that the Human Male -- rented as he is to the compagnie of bookbinders-- has received his first cheque for services rendered!! Felinestan's treasury is overflowing with cash.
In other news, we learn that Felinestan's national debt now stands at HOOMAN$148,000. Apparently, the Schoole of Capitalist Exploitation we sent the Human Male to lived up to its reputation. We considered assassinating "retiring" the President of said school to have the debt repealed. Unfortunately, we are told that the Schoole of Capitalist Exploitation would only get a new president and our debt would remain.
We must ponder other avenues. At least the Hooman Dollar is not worth as much as it once was. The Felinestani Ducat (which is tied to servant-sweat) is at an all time high. |
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| Felinestan's Allies Now Number 50 |
[Jul. 30th, 2008|06:19 pm] |
We are informed by our journal of the live that Felinestan's allies now number 2-score and ten!
A half century of loyal allies now join forces with the Iron Paw-- and those are only the allies who are brave enough to use this journal of the live.... Think of how many silent, illiterate, and obedient allies we must have across this terran sphere!
It seems as if it was only yesterday that we were but an exiled infanta in Plumpoopistan, with nary a friend or a crown. How the strength or the Iron Paw has grown.
Long live the Queen!
We have spoken. |
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| Tribute Received -- Execution Cancelled |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|08:22 pm] |
My subjects:
In our infinite wisdom (and prettiness) we have commuted the Human Female's death sentence to a sentence of life servitude (to us, of course). The Human Female has properly demonstrated her loyalty by delivering an offering of tribute that was sent from the Human Male. We should mention now that the suspected spy, Youpius, was in fact, a porter of tribute for the Human Male.
BEHOLD! Our long-awaited Imperial Fountain! We present this daguerreotype of our magnificent self imbibing from our fountain!
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| Human Female Slated for Execution |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|05:02 pm] |
My subjects:
We have decided to execute the Human Female tonight at the stroke of midnight. Her insolence has reached too far. She shoed us from yon shiney box that she is so obsessed with. This must not be tolerated. We like yon shiney box. It is warm, it makes a wonderful chaise, and it attracts our beautiful fur.
You may wonder, how, after years of service, we would reward the Human Female with death? Simply put, we are the Imperial Plump of Felinestan, and we do as we please.
You may also wonder, why we will not grant mercy? While mercy is always a chance, we cannot see what might possibly grant the Human Female a reprieve, so close to her execution.
Come witness the execution yourself tonight, and fear us.
We have spoken. |
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| Lion Fails to Maul Insolent Servants |
[Jul. 24th, 2008|06:06 pm] |
We were stunned by this video of a Lion, completely failing to maul its former servants who had insolently exiled it into the wastelands.
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| Spies in Brown from the Amazon |
[Jul. 23rd, 2008|09:07 am] |
My subjects:
Over the last 48 hours, we twice repelled a spy who approached the palace gates. This spy, enrobed in all brown, and answering to the name "Youpius," attempted to leave what he claimed was a "gift" from the Amazon. What is more, he insisted he would give it only to our Human Female!
We saw that for what it was-- a clear attempt to steal our serfs and gain critical intelligence on the inner workings of the palace.
Fortunately, our fierce meows saw the spy off at once. Now we have learned this Youpius actually expects the Human Female to go to the Amazon to retrieve this "gift!!" Such insolence!
Be on the lookout for this spy in brown, my subjects. Do not accept his gifts!
We have spoken. |
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| Human Male Receives Bid |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|07:49 pm] |
Great news for Felinestan, lowly serfs. Today, a compagnie of book binders made a bid to lease the Human Male which is quite satisfactory to Lord Vizier Bear (who is also our Lord Chancellor of the Exchequer).
You may wonder what happened to the compagnie of Yahoos that wanted to buy the Human Male. Apparently, their purse was insufficient to purchase the Human Male, and they were forced to withdraw. We are told it had something to do with putting lipstick on a pig and a "Palmer from Ye State of Washing-towne." We do not understand such things of high finance and commerce.
The book binders bid will undoubtedly be useful in leveraging bids out of other compagnies. And just in time too. Lord Vizier Bear and our glorious self were just discussing plans to "write down the Human Male's Goodwill," and "dispose of the asset for it's salvage value," as he puts it.
We can almost see the tribute pouring into our treasury. We shall put the new Imperial Fountain there, and the new High Tower over there, and we will undoubtedly need a shiny new necklace of diamonds.... Reowww? |
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| Daguerreotype of Us |
[Jul. 3rd, 2008|03:27 pm] |
Some of our serfs have been asking for portraits of us. As the Human Female is too insolent to take new portraits of us, we offer this older daguerreotype of us counting tribute with Vizier Bear so that you will be quelled.
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| Audience With Lady Vet |
[Jul. 1st, 2008|05:01 pm] |
In our infinite wisdom (and prettiness) we granted an audience with Lady Vet due to a slight ache we possessed in our beautiful shoulder. We obtained this beautiful injury from gracefully leaping from our viewing platform.
Fortunately, Lady Vet has assembled a potion for us which will not only quell our slight ache, it will also make us invulnerable to any coup d'etat attempts.
Be assured, that there has been no transfer of power to Vizier Bear. We are in full possession of our faculties and powers.
Fear the Iron Paw.... |
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| Question from Serf |
[Jun. 21st, 2008|11:53 pm] |
Sapphirescarlet asks "What human serf habit does Her Majesty find to be the most repulsive?"
We are most disgusted by the fact that our Humans never bathe. We have observed them for near on a decade now, yet we have not yet once seen the Human Male or the Human Female lick themselves clean. We wince to imagine the things that must be crawling on our humans. |
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| Human Male Optioned |
[Jun. 12th, 2008|07:20 pm] |
We wanted to update all our subjects on the auction of the Human Male for currency. You may recall, the initial bids were disappointing. Many of you simply wanted to barter for the Human Male or to gain his mizuage-- something that has been promised to his consort.
Fortunately, we have learned today that a compagnie of yahoos would like to option several opportunitees with the Human Male. We are not yet sure how many ducats this compagnie is willing to offer, nor what sort of emploi they may seek. However, we have been assured that they are fully bonded, should the Human Male be damaged or killed in their emploi.
This comes as a breath of fresh air to our beautiful lungs. We were about to sell the Human Male to a company of carriage drivers in Mesopotamia. We confess that we are far too fond of the Human Male to see him be put in danger.... for little currency, that is.
We have spoken. |
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| Motto Contest and Tourism Slogan |
[Jun. 6th, 2008|11:32 am] |
We were very surprised by all the creative suggestions for Felinestan's motto. The serfs are clearly more intelligent than we originally suspected. On a totally unrelated matter, we are adding lead supplements to your drinking water to.... make you stronger.
As for the motto chosen, we have decided upon "Oderint dum metuant", let them hate, as long as they fear, as suggested by the serf known as "Hotclaws."
Other notable suggestions include:
"infinitus sapienta et formositas" -- infinite wisdom and prettiness, suggested by GuyJin
"Felinestan: It's fear. Hooray fear!" -- suggested by the serf known as spielmadchen
While choosing our motto, we realize that Felinestan also needs a slogan for its tourism campaign. The serf known as elizabeth_rv suggested the perfect slogan:
"Have you not visited Felinestan? Come beg our forgiveness."
This not only taps the "honest advertising" craze, it also sets the right tone for our potential captives tourists. |
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| Motto Contest |
[Jun. 4th, 2008|03:41 pm] |
In our infinite wisdom (and prettiness) we have begun creating a Communittee of Loyale Subjects of Felinestan so that our serfs may think they have some influence on the country express themselves.
While we began entering the cryptological commands for said communittee into ye shiny box, we realized something: Felinestan has no motto, at least not in English-- Felinestan's motto in Miao, the cat language, is unpronounceable by Humans.
We order you subjects to think up a motto for Felinestan. We will chose which one strikes our whim.
We have spoken. |
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| New Petitioning System for Felinestan |
[May. 30th, 2008|12:06 pm] |
In our infinite wisdom (and prettiness) we are taking pity on our subjects and allowing them to petition our glorious self electra-mechanically. Our domain has simply become too expansive for us to expect subjects to petition us in public.
Simply send us an electra-mechanical correspondence at imperialplump@yahoo.com, and within 1 day to 7 years we will respond with our ruling or advice.
Oooh, our first petition just arrived:
Bradley from Arizona writes "Your eternal prettiness: My feline overlord, Mittens, is scratching up the furniture. How can I get her to stop?"
We write to this human:
"Your overlord's urge to sharpen her claws is clearly strong. But we sense it is bloodlust more than anything else. Have you considered allowing yourself to be mutilated by this Mittens? That may stop the destruction of your petty objects and keep your lady amused with you."
We do so love spreading our infinite wisdom. |
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| Available Immediately For Sale or Hire: |
[May. 28th, 2008|05:59 pm] |
Available Immediately For Sale or Hire in Exchange for Specie:
One Human Male, One and one half score years in age
Though dim-witted, Human Male possesses Artium Magister in capitalism from the University of the Duchy of New York and Artium Baccalaureus in political economy from Collegium Georgiopolitanum ad Ripas Potamaci in Marylandia.
Human Male has no knowledge of Latin or Greek, but is quite adept at figuring and ciphering. Human Male also has extensive experience in using the shiny box to create long sets of numerals and in creating cartesian diagrams.
Human male is quite skilled at petting, brushing fur, and cleaning poo.
Interested parties my contact Her Most Holy Protestant Empress Minerva the Plump of Felinestan at imperialplump@yahoo.com
Barter offers will not be accepted. |
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| Duchy of New York Boosts Defenses |
[May. 23rd, 2008|11:40 am] |
My Subjects:
The Human Male has provided us with intelligence. And it appears that we may have underestimated the defensive measures of the Duchy of New York. While the Battery still has no cannons, several warships have taken berth this week on western side of the island this week. They are heavily armed.
Fortunately, their defensive posture seems to be startlingly inadequate. Most of their sailors and marines have been sent ashore, in what I can only assume is a search for fresh water and food, or perhaps to press the native populace into service. This has left the ships largely depopulated.
In the absence of their officers, most of these sailors and marines have immediately abandoned their duties, and descended upon the alehouses of the Village of Greenwich to become befuddled, or thrown themselves upon the harlots of the five points. Some of these women are even GIVING their services away, perhaps in some attempt to shanghai the sailors.
According to the Human Male, the sailors in particular are quite different from the ones who used to frequent the Duchy of New York. They no longer romp down the broad-ways singing and dancing about the “hellishness of the town.” In fact, they seem to have forgotten all geographic knowledge of the city, and no longer recall that The Bronx is up and The Battery is down. How they are ever going to find their way back to their ships is beyond us.
If only the Felinestani defense forces weren’t on training missions, the city would be ours for the taking. Alas.
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| Ode to the Serfs |
[May. 17th, 2008|09:18 am] |
My subjects:
It is such a beautiful May morning in Felinestan, we declare today a Feast Day. If you have finished working our land, you may recreate.
Your Queen has written a poem for you, lowly serfs. You will enjoy it.
Ode to the Serfs
Let us not to the service of true serfs
Admit impediments; serfs are not serfs
Who insult when they insolence find,
Or join with the usurper to usurp:
O, no, they are an ever-fixèd mark,
That look on torture and are never shaken;
We are the star to their wand'ring bark,
Whose worth is known, although the pretty blind them.
Though serfs be clear fools, our ivory fur and purrs
Within their tiny minds inspire trust;
Serfs alter not with the brief hours and weeks,
But serve us even to the edge of doom
If this be error and upon us proved
We never writ, nor queen ever ruled |
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