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imperialplump

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House of Litter Plot [Nov. 9th, 2008|09:21 pm]
imperialplump
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My Subjects:

Wednesday last, the 5th of November, the Felinestani Defense Forces foiled a plot against our government! Now that the conspiracy has unwound, we are able to promulgate its details to you.

It appears that a rogue villain was attempting to sap his way beneath our House of Litter, with the intention of disintegrating us with a concoction of charcoal, saltpeter and brimstone!! After torturing interrogating the rogue, it was discovered that blasphemous Canine forces had orchestrated this plot against us.

Felinestan is now at war with the foul buttocks-smellers known as Ye Dogs!! Be vigilant!
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Historic Result of Felinestani Plebiscite [Nov. 5th, 2008|07:43 am]
imperialplump
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My subjects:

By an overwhelming majority, the serfs have spoken. The results for the Felinestani Plebiscite have been tallied, although as you can see from the results there may be some reprisals "recounting" of a few ballots.

Question 1. Do you agree with Her Imperial Majesty Minerva I's decision to dissolve the houses of Pawliament and to transfer all governmental powers to the Iron Paw?

Yes: 300,201,587
No: 6

Question 2. Do you agree with Her Imperial Majesty Minerva I's decision to consider any person approximating her prettiness as an enemy of the state?

Yes: 300,201,587
No: 6
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Bailout [Sep. 21st, 2008|07:18 pm]
imperialplump
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My subjects:

We are hereby raising your taxes by 700B Felinestani Ducats to pay for the bailout of our financial system.

It appears that the two wars we are currently fighting (in Plumpoopistan and Dognam) plus the 20 Palaces we had constructed in the past 7 years have strained the Empire's finances.

Lord Vizier Bear tells us that our bankers are balking at lending us any more money, despite the large profits they have earned from us. Even kidnapping their children seems to have no effect on them.

Rest assured, this money will only be used for the benefit of a very privileged few, who have benefited enormously from our banking system in recent years.

Pay your taxes, serfs.

Keeping us solvent, will keep you safe.
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Human Male Paid! [Aug. 16th, 2008|07:32 pm]
imperialplump
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We have just received word that the Human Male -- rented as he is to the compagnie of bookbinders-- has received his first cheque for services rendered!! Felinestan's treasury is overflowing with cash.

In other news, we learn that Felinestan's national debt now stands at HOOMAN$148,000. Apparently, the Schoole of Capitalist Exploitation we sent the Human Male to lived up to its reputation. We considered assassinating "retiring" the President of said school to have the debt repealed. Unfortunately, we are told that the Schoole of Capitalist Exploitation would only get a new president and our debt would remain.

We must ponder other avenues. At least the Hooman Dollar is not worth as much as it once was. The Felinestani Ducat (which is tied to servant-sweat) is at an all time high.
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Felinestan's Allies Now Number 50 [Jul. 30th, 2008|06:19 pm]
imperialplump
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We are informed by our journal of the live that Felinestan's allies now number 2-score and ten!

A half century of loyal allies now join forces with the Iron Paw-- and those are only the allies who are brave enough to use this journal of the live.... Think of how many silent, illiterate, and obedient allies we must have across this terran sphere!

It seems as if it was only yesterday that we were but an exiled infanta in Plumpoopistan, with nary a friend or a crown. How the strength or the Iron Paw has grown.

Long live the Queen!

We have spoken.
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Tribute Received -- Execution Cancelled [Jul. 29th, 2008|08:22 pm]
imperialplump
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My subjects:

In our infinite wisdom (and prettiness) we have commuted the Human Female's death sentence to a sentence of life servitude (to us, of course). The Human Female has properly demonstrated her loyalty by delivering an offering of tribute that was sent from the Human Male. We should mention now that the suspected spy, Youpius, was in fact, a porter of tribute for the Human Male.

BEHOLD! Our long-awaited Imperial Fountain! We present this daguerreotype of our magnificent self imbibing from our fountain!

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Human Female Slated for Execution [Jul. 29th, 2008|05:02 pm]
imperialplump
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[mood |angryangry]

My subjects:

We have decided to execute the Human Female tonight at the stroke of midnight. Her insolence has reached too far. She shoed us from yon shiney box that she is so obsessed with. This must not be tolerated. We like yon shiney box. It is warm, it makes a wonderful chaise, and it attracts our beautiful fur.

You may wonder, how, after years of service, we would reward the Human Female with death? Simply put, we are the Imperial Plump of Felinestan, and we do as we please.

You may also wonder, why we will not grant mercy? While mercy is always a chance, we cannot see what might possibly grant the Human Female a reprieve, so close to her execution.

Come witness the execution yourself tonight, and fear us.

We have spoken.
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Lion Fails to Maul Insolent Servants [Jul. 24th, 2008|06:06 pm]
imperialplump
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We were stunned by this video of a Lion, completely failing to maul its former servants who had insolently exiled it into the wastelands.


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Spies in Brown from the Amazon [Jul. 23rd, 2008|09:07 am]
imperialplump
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[Current Location |the palace gates]

My subjects:

Over the last 48 hours, we twice repelled a spy who approached the palace gates. This spy, enrobed in all brown, and answering to the name "Youpius," attempted to leave what he claimed was a "gift" from the Amazon. What is more, he insisted he would give it only to our Human Female!

We saw that for what it was-- a clear attempt to steal our serfs and gain critical intelligence on the inner workings of the palace.

Fortunately, our fierce meows saw the spy off at once. Now we have learned this Youpius actually expects the Human Female to go to the Amazon to retrieve this "gift!!" Such insolence!

Be on the lookout for this spy in brown, my subjects. Do not accept his gifts!

We have spoken.
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Human Male Receives Bid [Jul. 10th, 2008|07:49 pm]
imperialplump
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood |RICH]

Great news for Felinestan, lowly serfs. Today, a compagnie of book binders made a bid to lease the Human Male which is quite satisfactory to Lord Vizier Bear (who is also our Lord Chancellor of the Exchequer).

You may wonder what happened to the compagnie of Yahoos that wanted to buy the Human Male. Apparently, their purse was insufficient to purchase the Human Male, and they were forced to withdraw. We are told it had something to do with putting lipstick on a pig and a "Palmer from Ye State of Washing-towne." We do not understand such things of high finance and commerce.

The book binders bid will undoubtedly be useful in leveraging bids out of other compagnies. And just in time too. Lord Vizier Bear and our glorious self were just discussing plans to "write down the Human Male's Goodwill," and "dispose of the asset for it's salvage value," as he puts it.

We can almost see the tribute pouring into our treasury. We shall put the new Imperial Fountain there, and the new High Tower over there, and we will undoubtedly need a shiny new necklace of diamonds.... Reowww?
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